Star Wars: The Holiday Special
1978 | Dir. Satan, probably (officially, Steve Binder & David Acomba) | zero stars
Review by Jae Jerkins · The Star Wars Countdown, #12 of 12
“The greatness of art,” the Yiddish writer I.B. Singer once remarked, “is not to find what is common, but what is unique.” Of all the Star Wars out there (canon and legend, printed and filmed, licensed and otherwise), the 1978 Holiday Special is by far the most unique. It stands apart as a bold, contrarian, almost dadaist statement. As viewers, it confounds all expectations. As Star Wars fans, it both humbles and overwhelms any dark judgment, any dislike, any criticism we may have of our beloved space saga. Because this television special (this ode to crass, mass produced, half-baked commercialism) is the very worst thing I have ever seen in my life.
And therein lies its greatness.
On November 17, 1978 CBS WMAR aired Star Wars: The Holiday Special for the first and only time. And while other CBS stations also aired this historical event, some unknown cultural hero had the presence of mind to tape the Baltimore feed.
Yadda, yadda, yadda… I have a copy.
So here I go, down the path less travelled.
For surely if there is a hell, it is the Star Wars Holiday Special.
The First Circle: Limbo
That’s it. I’m turning back.
These are the first words uttered in the show. They are presciently spoken by a contractually-obligated Harrison Ford. These were also my thoughts as I took notice of the runtime. 1 hour and 56 minutes. If I get through 30, it’ll be a miracle.
And speaking of miracles, Han Solo assures Chewbacca, “I know your family’s waiting. I know it’s an important day!” In point of fact, we learn that it is “Life Day” on Chewy’s world. Life Day is a made-for-TV analogue to Christmas, because this is a “Holiday Special.” It’s Space Christmas!
Within the first minute it is clear that this is a late-1970s variety show, and I have to guess it’s not a very good one. Next, through a series of labelled headshots, we meet Chewy’s family: Itchy (dad), Malla (wife), and Lumpy (son). So my brain goes, “Ok. Kid’s show.” But that hypothesis will soon be resoundingly disproven.
The Special begins on Chewy’s unnamed homeworld. There’s an establishing exterior shot of Chewy’s tree house. I settle in, prepared for a child-like romp through Chewy’s world. But what follows defies rational explanation. Wife Malla is wearing an apron. Grandpa Itchy is in an easy chair. And son Lumpy is playing with toys.
A discussion of sorts ensues, consisting entirely of incomprehensible Wookiee grunts and growls. It is not captioned. This seems like a momentary bit. It is not. It goes on for several minutes. About five possible readings go through my mind at once. Is this what kids watched in the 70s? Did the writers lose a bet? Is this a joke? A manifesto? A Deleuzian postmodern critique of a silent voice screaming contempt against easily digestible pop culture? No answers are forthcoming.
Oh, no. WHAT did they do to Luke Skywalker?
That’s… a lot of make-up. And, is he wearing fake eyelashes?
I gotta say, actor Mark Hamill is giving this everything. “Over-the-top” doesn’t cover it. He’s portraying his part as if to a frightened toddler. Big eyes. Bright smile. Reassuring Pollyanna delivery. It’s deeply unsettling.
And… we’re back to Chewy’s family. The next scene involves a cosplay Imperial in a second-hand goods shop run by Art Carney. Because apparently I am having a fever dream. I think the Imperial stole a toothbrush, and Art Carney is sad now. I’m not quite sure, but there’s no way in hell I’m rewinding to find out.
At 16 minutes, it feels like it’s been an hour.
The Second Circle: Lust
Art Carney then arrives at Chewy’s house with gifts. Lumpy and Malla get appliances of some kind. And Grandpa Itchy gets a VR program. Art Carney gives his best creepy-uncle act: “Happy Life Day, and I do mean Happy Life Day!” This can’t be good.
At 30 minutes, the VR show begins. “My voice is for you alone… I exist for you.” The disembodied sultry voice materializes into singer Diahann Carroll. She is a virtual-reality, er… pin-up model. Let me put it this way: any illusions I had that this show was made for children have gone right out the window.
Grandpa Itchy is designing his dream date in Virtual Reality. Yes, I just typed those words. Alas, we are gifted with a full body reaction shot to Diahann’s words, “Oh yes! I can feel my creation!” Grandpa’s hairy face melts into bliss. There’s more to the scene, but I’m not typing it.
This is the part of Star Wars George Lucas instantly regretted upon viewing it. He wants this forgotten, to cross the River Lethe and never return to us. But it remains with us. In all its creepy disco cringeyness.
The Third Circle: Gluttony
My lifelong love of Carrie Fisher has only strengthened with her untimely passing. Carrie was a fighter. She told it how it was and with a style all her own. This next scene has Princess Leia. Do you, dear reader, remember the last shot in Apocalypse Now? When Martin Sheen has been to hell and back? That stare?
The horror. The horror.
A cinnamon-bunned, white gowned, sugar-coated Princess Leia bounds onto the screen and addresses the audience. “Malla, it’s so good to see you. Happy Life Day!” Except, well, bounding isn’t really the best word. She tried to bound. She did. But she instead stumbles with her arms askew as if she’s aboard a rocking ship, swaying in a violent storm.
Something is very wrong with Carrie Fisher. That’s what I’m reading in her gluttonously euphoric, wide-eyed, space cadet appearance. Upon later viewing, the actress will admit that she has zero recollection of this show. Zero. She isn’t real. I mean, she is, but she isn’t. So, is the show real? Am I real?
The Fourth Circle: Greed
I am now an hour into the two-hour show. Halfway there. Surely, only pain lies ahead. But I dare to hope anyway. Because I already know something about this next scene. Lumpy has turned on his tv, and an animation fills the screen. And not just any animation. This is the debut of Boba Fett.
But this animation short… It is rough. I once heard someone argue that it was good “for the time.” No. Scooby-Doo, The Jetsons, Bugs Bunny, Jonny Quest, and Schoolhouse Rock! were good for the time. This is not good.
This is 10 minutes of unwatchable garbage.
Luke, C-3PO, and R2-D2 are aboard a Y-Wing. They have followed the Millennium Falcon to a tie-dyed moon, where they are attacked. As luck would have it, Boba Fett is riding a dinosaur and strikes the offending creature with a cattle prod. “I am Boba Fett,” he declares to Luke and company. Defender Fett helps Luke find the Falcon. During the encounter, he calls Luke “friend.”
Mark Hamill’s Luke happily interjects. “Boba, you’re a hero and a faithful friend. You must come back with us!” Thankfully, R2 chirps in disagreement. C-3PO explains what the droids heard earlier. “Boba Fett is Darth Vader’s right-hand man.”
Boba fires off his jet pack (another piece of equipment not used until Jedi) and escapes. “Until we meet again, friend.” Apparently, Boba Fett’s favorite word is friend. It’s an odd choice.
Our heroes have a good laugh as they leave Planet Tie-Dye behind. That was awful. I should not have been greedy. I take it back. My hope has died. I promise!
The Fifth Circle: Wrath
After the animation short, Lumpy goes tearing through his bedroom in search of a disc. Once inserted, we find that it’s a DIY YouTube video that teaches one how to build a voice modulator.
Here, Harvey Korman plays an amorphian being whose species is “frequently impaired by malfunctions which result in a temporary loss of power.” In other words, Korman is a robot/cyborg/don’t-care that can’t give clear instructions. See how this is funny? Neither did I. This scene will never end. I can’t tell you how much I hate that guy’s stupid face.
The Sixth Circle: Heresy
But this… This is heresy.
About an hour and twenty minutes in, I arrive in familiar environs. It’s the Mos Eisley Cantina on Tatooine. I see Greedo, the Wolfman, and the Bith musicians playing in the background.
Wow. They’ve totally re-created everyone’s favorite hive of scum and villainy!
But wait. This isn’t the Cantina I remember. Because Golden Girl Bea Arthur is running the bar. Apparently the actress, who just finished a six-year run as CBS’s Maude, was a hot commodity, so why not put her in Star Wars? Why not, indeed.
Alongside Ford, Fisher, and Hamill, I have a great respect for Ms. Arthur. Unlike the other three, she doesn’t belong within a hundred yards of Star Wars. It’s like seeing your grandmother suddenly getting hit on in Mos Eisley. I just can’t…
The empire has imposed a curfew on Tatooine so Bubbe is going from table to table, begging patrons to go. And, now, Bea Arthur is belting out a song. You know the song that the Cantina Band plays in A New Hope? Yeah, that one. It’s been slowed down, backed by cheap synths, and is being sung over by Bea. “Just one more round, friend!” It’s a showtune. Star Wars has become an off-off-Broadway musical. What heretic thought this was ok to inflict on Star Wars?
The Seventh Circle: Violence
What follows now is the story of my favorite character in the Holiday Special. The unsung hero, B4711. As you may have guessed, he’s a stormtrooper. And, since FN2187 got a cool name like Finn, I think it only fair that B4711 be given a fitting handle too. Let’s call him Beef.
Back in Chewy’s living room, the Imperials have rifled through all of the Wookiee’s stuff. Lumpy has built his translator (ok, it’s a voice modulator) so he can recall the Imperials using the voice of their commander. “Return to Base. Return to Base,” they hear, and all but one leave. Lumpy is pleased.
Then, a beautiful thing happens. As Lumpy is sitting in the floor amid all his tossed possessions, a stormtrooper approaches. He has seen the modulator. He realizes what has happened. Lumpy wails like an injured llama. I want him to hurt so much.
Beef towers wordlessly over Lumpy, and I’m loving this. For an hour and a half, I have wanted to see these Wookiees suffer as I have suffered. Don’t let me down, Beef.
Beef reaches past the dying cat sounds and takes the voice modulator. He raises the device over his head as Lumpy wails. I’m on the edge of my seat. With a violent slam, Beef destroys Lumpy’s device. Lumpy begins to scream as Beef triumphantly stalks away. I cannot express the joy I feel in this moment.
Suddenly, Han and Chewy show up and get the drop on Beef! A tussle ensues, and good ol’ Beef goes flying off Chewy’s high rise. It’s the only on-screen death of the show.
Afterward, there’s a general distress call for B4711. Art Carney covers, “He robbed me blind. Then he took off for the hills.” How do you like that? Beef was a good stormtrooper. He obeyed orders, investigated a problem, took proper action, then died nobly in the performance of his duties. Holiday Special, do you see what you’ve made me become? I have stared into the abyss and lo — the abyss has stared back into me.
The Eighth Circle: Panderers & Seducers
Chewy is reunited with his family, who join a trippy parade of cultish red-robed Wookiees in front of a fuzzy, starry background. I hate this so much. So. Much. I hate the story for toddlers. I hate the creepy-old-man VR scene. I hate the bizarre animation. I hate that Bea Arthur’s showtune is stuck in my head. I hate how each one panders to a different social group. And I hate, hate, hate Space Christmas.
Princess Leia then delivers a cringy feel-good paragraph that really just makes me so glad I don’t live in the 70s. I write the following in full, for posterity: “This holiday is yours. But we all share with you the hope that this day brings us closer to freedom, and to harmony, and to peace. No matter how different we appear, we’re all the same in our struggle against the powers of evil and darkness. I hope that this day will always be a day of joy in which we can reconfirm our dedication and our courage and more than anything else, our love for one another. This is the promise of the tree of life.” I’m pretty sure this was lifted from a junior high essay.
Clutching onto Chewbacca, perhaps because she was close to falling over, Princess Leia then breaks into song. At this point, I’m just staring at the ceiling. Neither she nor I have any idea what this song is about. A final shot shows Chewy and family silently sitting at their Space Christmas table. Pan up. Fade to Black.
In 48 years, this show never aired on TV again.
The Ninth Circle: Treachery
It’s time to peel back the curtain.
Who was in charge of this mess? Whose name goes on the indictment?
Sadly, it’s not that easy. George Lucas washed his hands of the Holiday Special long ago. In 2005 he told the media, “I can’t remember what network it was on, but it was a thing that they did. We kind of let them do it.” It was CBS, George. You sold out to CBS. “We let them use the characters and stuff and that probably wasn’t the smartest thing to do.” No. No, it wasn’t, George.
George Lucas is now famous for saying that if he had the time and a sledgehammer, he “would track down every copy of that show and smash it.”
In 2006, Harrison Ford claimed to have never seen it. Full stop.
In 2010, Carrie Fisher told the New York Times that she shows the Special at parties now — when she wants her guests to leave.
In 2014, Star Wars producer Gary Kurtz explained the Holiday Special had started out much better. “We had half a dozen meetings with the TV company that was making it. In the end, because of work on promoting Star Wars and working on the next film, we realized we had no time. So we just left it to them and just had occasional meetings with them, provided them with access to props and the actors, and that was it.”
So that was it. Apparently it’s no one’s fault. Either way, it’s the worst thing I have ever seen. Happy Life Day, everyone.
The Countdown ranks the Star Wars films from worst to best, one review at a time.
Next: Episode I: The Phantom Menace →
The Empire Strikes Back
A New Hope
Rogue One
Revenge of the Sith
Return of the Jedi
Solo
The Last Jedi
Attack of the Clones
The Force Awakens
The Phantom Menace
The Rise of Skywalker
The Holiday Special